Just hang on to your long johns, Lieutenant.
We people in combat appreciate how rough it is back there at Headquarters Company...
bulletins flying in every direction...
officers blowing up in your face.
Problem here is, we're breaking in a new man...
and he's not quite up to snuff yet.
Now you'll start getting your morning reports pronto.
[Grunts]
Klinger! Klinger, we gotta talk.
Oh, not now, sir. Very busy, sir.
- Now, Klinger. - Mail call, sir.
Neither rain nor snow nor dark of night...
shall stay this courier from his appointed rounds.
How would you like to be making your rounds...
with a potato peeler for the rest of this war?
- Threats are another story, sir. - I just got off the horn with "l" Corps.
You know how fussy they are? They actually expect to see...
morning reports every morning.
Say it would be a real boost for their morale if they got one from us once in a while.
Just tell 'em unless they hear any different, assume everything's okay.
You know, no news is good news.
Do 'em, Klinger, on time, every day. That's an order!
Sir, am I to take it from your tone...
you're dissatisfied with the way I'm performing my duties?
I can't tell you that until I see you perform one.
You've been company clerk for two weeks now.
So far you've handled the job with all the efficiency...
of a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest!
- I'm doing the best I can, sir. - I was afraid of that.
Maybe this responsibility's too much for you.
No sin in owning up to that. We can't all be Radars.
And obviously we can't all be sensitive to underlings either.
Now, if you're through insulting me, sir, I have mail to deliver.
Potter, S. I need a "Yo," sir. Efficiency, you know?
Yo!
- Potter, S. - Yo!
And Potter S.
- Go! - Close enough, sir.
Mail call.
- Houlihan, M. - Give me that.
Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military courtesy?
Klinger, this morning I asked Colonel Potter about my two new nurses.
He said, "What two new nurses?" I said, "The two new nurses on my personnel requisition."
He said, "What requisition?" And I said, "The requisition...
you obviously never got from Klinger, your new company cluck."
"Company cluck"?
That's a low blow, Major.
There's a perfectly logical reason why...
Colonel Potter hasn't seen those requisitions.
- What is it? - I lost them!
You want mail? Get it yourself. You too.
- Ah, the postman always sneers twice. - I'll do it, Klinger.
You must be worn out, carrying that grudge around all day.
Pierce! Here. Pierce! Here.
- Hunnicutt! - Present.
Sorry, no present. Just a letter from home.
Ah, ha, ha! You were wrong about the present. Erin sent me another cookie.
Klinger, feel around in your bag for a wet letter. She must have sent milk.
Klinger... [Chuckles] Thought I'd find you here.
- It's mail call, sir. - Yes, I know.
I just found mine outside on the ground!
Okay, so I dropped it!
Maybe it's a suicide note, and it jumped out by itself.
It astounds me, Klinger. It truly does, that you are still company clerk.
I'd have thought that by now Colonel Potter would have replaced you...
with a higher form of plant life.
Don't listen to him, Klinger. We love you.
Especially in the spring, when you bloom.
His predecessor, Corporal O'Reilly, was no Aristotle...
but compared to this oaf, he was a veritable Phi Beta Kappa.
Who's an oaf? And what's a "Phi Beta Kapper"?
I rest my case.
Hey, guys, listen to this. Peg says the meeting with Radar went just as we planned.
"Erin and I went to the airport, and we spent two or three hours with him.
"He sure is a cute little guy, and so nice.
"Sweetheart, it was really funny. When Erin first saw Radar in his uniform...
she ran up to him and said, 'Hi, Daddy."'
[Chuckling] Out of the mouths of babes comes drollery.
- What else did she say? - Uh, she just goes on with some other stuff.
Who cares anyway? Radar. Radar. Radar.
Even from somebody 10,000 miles away. That's all I hear about!
[Potter] What's it look like out there, Padre?
- Much of a line waiting to get in? - Oh, just a few, Colonel.
Thank the Lord, business wasn't particularly brisk today.
It's this location. I told you we needed a better corner.
[Mulcahy] Apparently it was just a minor skirmish.
Funny, they don't look skirmish. I didn't even know Skirmia was in the war. Did you, Beej?
- I'll need some more retraction, Margaret. - Father, can you help us, please?
Oh, coming up.
I requisitioned more nurses, but we don't have them yet.
If you're sending out for nurses, order me one. With everything, to go.
I'd rather send out for a new company clerk.
The clown we have is the reason we don't have the nurses.
Now, Major, Klinger isn't making my life a bed of petunias either.
Let's just be a little patient.
I agree with Major Houlihan, Colonel.
There must be at least a dozen candidates who could handle the job better than Klinger.
One springs to mind immediately, my pet mastiff, Bruno.
I think you people are being very unkind to Corporal Klinger.
Oh, it isn't Klinger so much, Padre.
We all got used to the way Radar handled things.
Well, that sews it up. Oh, Corpsman, take a litter.
Hey, we heard from Radar. Or about him, anyway.
Peg Hunnicutt saw him in San Francisco.
- What'd she say in her letter, Beej? - Uh, nothing, really.
She met the boy's plane? How was he feeling? How'd he look? What'd she say about him?
He got to San Francisco.
He saw my wife and kid for a couple of hours.
- That's it? - Boy, Beej, you sure know how to tell a story.
- What a spellbinder. - What's to tell? It's no big deal.
How do you like this? I give the kid the spotlight.
I give him a chance to be a big star in show business, and look what happens.
I wouldn't be surprised if even the patients walked out on you.
- Three-oh silk, Margaret. - There. Now, that's more like it.
Doctor, this one just came in. Looks bad.
All right. Let's get to work. This kid is lucky.
If he got here any later, I'd have had to start the operation without him.
- Do you want more, sir? - No, I've got enough.
I'm really hungry, Igor. Slice me off another hunk of that soup, will ya?
About the only thing you haven't lost is your appetite.
If you're referring to your personnel requisition, Major, I filled out another one.
Oh? Huh. How did you manage to find a typewriter?
Oh, out of my way, Corporal.
- Is that so? - Huh! That rapier-like wit.
I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies.
First I'm a plant, now I'm breakfast food. What's next?
Well, you're crude and unrefined. How about petroleum?
That does it. I've had enough. I'm gonna sit at a table where I'll be appreciated.
- There's an empty one over there. - Is that so?
Please. Don't you people think enough's enough?
You have to stop picking on poor Klinger.
He's doing what he can under very trying circumstances.
Well, Father, he has done one thing remarkably well.
He's made me realize what a little gem Radar was.
Radar. Radar. Radar. Klinger's right.
Doesn't anybody talk about anything else?
Even Peg. "Radar was here."
"Radar's so cute." "Erin loves Radar."
I'm getting sick of hearing the name.
B. J., the young man did mean quite a lot to us.
Well, he's gone now. Can't we forget about him?
He's home, seeing his family... and other people's families.
It's not like he was dead. He's better off than we are.
Whatever happened to our cheery evening meals?
- How's Anderson doing, Doctor? - Better.
Lucky we got him when we did.
He made it to O.R. Just before closing time.
Good evening, Lieutenant. Time for the changing of the guard.
Pierce, I have come to relieve you. I'm sure the patients will be relieved as well.
- The man's a regular Mayo Brother. - [Chuckles]
Anything in particular I should know?
Just Anderson here. He's lost a lot of blood, but he's stable now.
Keep an eye on him, Baker. Any problems, call me right away.
I'll be in conference with my pillow.
Only if you can avoid your bunkmate, Hunnicutt...
last seen awash in a sea of that home-brewed swill of yours.
Very boring, Charles. I've seen B. J. Drink before.
Pierce, not like this.
If I were his liver, I would sue for separate maintenance.
In that case, I'll try to fall asleep before I get there. Nighty-night.
Well, well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Pierce Hawkeye...
named for an Indian, a president and a stove.
Here's lookin' at ya.
You seem to be having a good time. Mind if I join you?
Be my guest. Matter of fact, I'll have one with you.
I hate to see a man drink alone.
What are we drinking to this time, Beej?
War? Peace? Boredom?
Overwork? "Underwork"? Underwear?
- None of the above. - New shoes?
Old shoes? Lunch?
Missing lunch? Annual sheet-changing day?
- You're not even warm. - I have the distinct impression...
you've got more on your mind than cirrhosis of the cerebellum.
In O.R. Today, the patients were more fun than you were.
Why shouldn't they be? Some of them will go home.
Radar went home. You remember Radar?
Short, cute... my daughter calls him "Daddy."
Oh, so that's it. It's the letter that's bothering you.
Yeah. The letter. So what?
I mean, I'm sorry if it annoys you...
but I have this strange aversion to being away from my family.
- I miss them. - It's the same for all of us.
You don't think I miss my father?
You really think that's the same?
Come on, Hawkeye! How old is your father?
- How old? - Sixty-two.
Sixty-two.
How old was he when you saw him last, 60? 61?
- Something like that, yeah. - Has he changed much?
Was he walking and talking when you left? Erin wasn't.
But I hear she is now.
Does your father remember what you look like?
Will he know you when he sees ya?
Is he calling anybody else "Son"?
Beej, I know how you feel.
Yeah? Tell me how much you miss your kid.
Okay, I don't have a kid, and I don't have a wife.
But let me tell you something. Listen.
I've been stuck in this sewer longer than you have...
and nobody wants out of here more than I do.
- No? - No. And let me tell you something else.
You're wasting your time with that stuff.
I can tell you from personal experience, it won't work for long.
- Really? - Yeah, it may get you drunk, but it won't get you home.
- Oh, yeah? - What are you doing?
- Just trying to keep from wasting any more time. - Hey! Cut it out!
Beej, stop!
Pierce, I can't tell you how sorry I am this happened.
- [Groans] Thank you, Charles. - Without my being here to see it.
Hunnicutt was probably aiming for your mouth, but as usual, it was moving too fast.
- Ow! - Steady, Popeye.
Come on.
The next time you two Neanderthals determine to brawl...
have the kindness to do it someplace that I don't have to live.
Don't blame me, Charles.
I turned out to be the guest of honor at a surprise beating.
Hey, boys, has anybody...
What in the name of Sweet Fanny Adams happened here?
You're hurt! Did that still finally blow up in your face?
Actually, the still didn't do this. Hunnicutt did.
- Hunnicutt did that? - Yeah, he also did that.
He got drunk, he went crazy, and he punched out his two favorite roommates, me and the still.
I am puzzled by his behavior, although I do admire his judgment.
What on earth made him do a thing like that?
It was that letter he got from Peg about Radar. It really got to him.
Any idea where he went, Pierce?
No. Uh, no. He just waved good-bye with his knuckles and left.
Has everybody around here gone dingus?
Margaret and I came here looking for Klinger.
He's been missing since dinner. Have you seen him, Pierce?
I haven't seen anything. My lights were out.
- Winchester? - Colonel, I have neither seen him nor missed him.
Now we have two people to find, Colonel.
Right. We'd better pair up. Margaret, you and Winchester...
check the Officers Club out and that end of the camp.
I'll take the great John L. With me.
Major... Hawkeye, it's Anderson. His blood pressure's dropping.
- I think he's going into shock. - Uh-oh.
You'd better go find them without me. I just acquired a previous commitment.
- Baker, are you covered in there? - Yeah, Major, I can handle it.
- Yeah, we're fine, Margaret. - Okay, Pierce. Yell if you need an extra hand.
Hands I got. I'm running low on eyes.
I resent the use of ranking personnel to go find some...
Oh, come along, Winchester.
Eighty over forty.
Could I have missed a bleeder in there?
I thought of that, Hawk. We did a hematocrit. It's elevated.
Very good.
Then he's probably hypovolemic.
Keep him on plasma and start five "D" and saline with one ampule of Levophed.
Hang in there, Anderson. We've got enough people around here trying to leave us.
After the Officers Club closed, they were headed this way together.
- Very drunk. Have you seen them? - I have seen too much of them.
Ahh. Then they were here.
You know what they did? They draw a face wearing glasses on a napkin.
They stick it up on my dartboard and throw darts at it.
They call the game "Vaccinate Radar."
[Margaret] That's sick.
Not so bad. They never come close to target.
But they nearly stick three marines.
That's when I took away the darts from them.
And then they started to throw pretzels and peanuts at Radar face. I kicked them out.
- Do you have any idea where they went? - Uh-uh. Just happy they went.
- Oh, hi, Padre. - Ah, Colonel.
- Uh, would you join me in a cup of tea? - Uh, no, thanks.
- Have you seen anything of Klinger or Hunnicutt? - No, sorry.
- Anything wrong? - Afraid so. Both of'em are missing.
Missing, you say? You mean AWOL?
Well, we're not calling it that just yet, Padre.
Hunnicutt's tied one on over that letter from the missus.
- Klinger's problem is anybody's guess. - Oh.
Oh, Colonel, l... I may be able to shed some light on that.
If you can spare a moment. Please, sit down.
May as well. Looking's not doing me any good.
You seem to think Klinger leaves a little something to be desired as a company clerk.
I think Klinger leaves everything to be desired as a company clerk.
Well, we had a fellow here a while back...
before you arrived, who was much worse.
Worse than Klinger?
Father, you wouldn't lie to a Presbyterian, would you?
No. Believe me, this lad was quite a bozo.
He couldn't do anything right. Drove everybody crazy with questions.
You should have seen him try to patch through a call.
Looked like hand-to-hand combat.
Folks here were convinced that the enemy had sent him to sabotage the unit.
Yeah? So, whatever happened to this rube?
Well, as time went by, he got a little better.
Your late predecessor, Colonel Blake, rest his soul...
took him under his wing and sort of helped him grow into the job.
You suckered me, Padre. You're talkin' about Radar.
The very same bozo.
You see, when you arrived, you got the broken-in model.
But my, my. His first few months were harrowing indeed.
Now, at the risk of interfering, Colonel...
don't you think Corporal Klinger deserves the same consideration?
Well, it's not gonna be easy being patient with a company clerk...
who so far can't find a hippo in a footlocker.
Just so you make the effort, Colonel.
- Any news? You see either of'em? - No, Colonel.
No, but we have been regaled with glorious tales of their exploits.
Uh, they are together.
Sparing you the sordid details, they are setting new standards for inebriate behavior.
Additionally, we may be teetering on the brink of war with the marines.
- Colonel, I think we should call in the military police. - I think so too.
Let's go to my office. We'll get 'em on the horn.
Ah, I hereby resign from the "Missing Cretins Bureau."
[Chuckling]
Didn't I tell you Colonel Potter's office would be here?
- [Laughing] - There is the booze cabinet.
I can tell, because it's got booze in it. See?
Mmm, amazing. No wonder you're a captain.
- You got... You got a key? - Oh, key.
Sure. Sure.
- Oh! - Shh.
- Here... - Klinger... Klinger, there are a thousand keys on that ring.
I know that.
- It's... - Come on.
- Come on. Come on. Come on. - This one.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
Klinger, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
All right, Colonel, I'll try to get through to the M.P. Office.
- I appreciate that, Major. - [B.J., Klinger] Yahoo.!
Either we've struck pay dirt, or my office is being overrun by a couple of big silly mice.
[Laughing, Whooping]
- Hoo... - Ho-ho. Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy.
Howdy, stranger, do you have an appointment with Colonel Popper?
Probably does.
But I bet my stupid "clompany cerk" screwed it up.
What a pathetic pair of sots.
Would that be a pair of argyle sots?
Go get Pierce. I think he went back to the Swamp.
Yes, sir.
You know, you boys had us turning South Korea upside down looking for you?
- How'd you find us, Colonel? - Easy. We just followed the trail of empty bottles.
Don't laugh. I think I'm in big trouble.
I don't mind telling you I was damn worried.
Now you and I have got some things to talk about, Klinger.
Let's step outside.
Oh God, B. J. He's gonna beat me up.
- Come on, Klinger. - Yes, sir, Colonel.
So long, pal. It was nice gettin' bagged with you.
- Klinger. - Uh, Colonel...
don't hit him in the nose.
He's got a snootful.
Go, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Hang on, boy. Hey, big fella.
Park it in the chair, Corporal.
It's not plugged in, is it?
Let's, uh, clear the air, Klinger.
I think we both realize you're no Radar.
So they tell me, sir.
But by the same token, Radar is no Klinger.
I don't follow you, sir.
Folks around here were awfully fond of Henry Blake...
when he ran this fort, weren't they?
Well, sure. The colonel was a top-notch kind of a guy.
You bet he was. And believe me, my first days in his shadow were a mite uneasy.
Nobody was jumping for joy over me.
I was no Henry Blake. Never tried to be.
That didn't mean I was better or worse. Just different.
The thing is, the people here gave me a chance to get comfortable...
and to make this job Sherman Potter's.
I guess maybe I forgot that when you took over for Radar.
What I'm trying to tell you is, you need the time to take this job...
and make it Max Klinger's.
So just do it!
And if you need some help, if you've got a question, just knock on my door.
Is that clear, Max?
Crystal clear, sir.
All right.
As of right now, Radar's office is closed.
Klinger's is open.
Okay. We'll open tomorrow.
Mine's here. Yours is in there.
Well, this is a switch. Me standing, and you on the floor.
[Laughing]
You... You wore your soldier hat.
[Laughing Continues]
Don't worry. I'm unarmed.
I'm practically unconscious.
Ah, you know what I did today?
Hmm.
I hit the best friend I ever had.
I'm sorry, Hawk. I'm sorry.
[Sighs] It's all right.
Don't worry about it.
It's just I'm here, you know, in this stinkin' place.
And I got that damn letter from Peg.
And...
first time my little girl...
ever called anybody "Daddy"...
[Cries] It wasn't me.
Look, it could have been anybody in a uniform.
Oh, I know. I know. I know.
I can see him standin' there, holdin' her hand, laughing.
I can see Peg smiling...
wearing that per...
perfume she wears.
I can see him giving...
giving Erin the present...
I sent for her, touching her hair...
getting the hug I should have gotten.
Radar's home, Hawk. I should be glad for him.
But I'm not!
I'm so torn up with envy, I almost hate him!
And I feel the same way about Trapper, and I never even met him.
But he built that still with you, and...
and he... he's home too.
You'll go home.
One day we'll all go home.
I've been gone so long, Hawkeye.
A lifetime.
Erin's lifetime.
Even if I go home tomorrow, I'll never...
never get that back.
- Removing clamp. - [Bubbling]
Phillips.
- Is it supposed to be making that much noise? - Are you kidding?
That's music. A symphony for home brew and copper coils.
Klinger, you did a terrific job of getting all this stuff for us.
Nothing any genius couldn't have done...
once he's treated with the respect he deserves.
- Elwood Einstein couldn't have done better. - Isn't that Albert Einstein?
Elwood. Plumber back in Mill Valley.
- He'd go crazy over this thing. - "Thing"?
You make it sound like some inanimate object.
This is alive. It's not a mere collection of hardware.
It breathes. It has soul, warmth, love.
Oh, there it is, Beej... our firstborn.
The founding shot of new booze.
Oh, what bouquet. What nose.
Speaking of which, Klinger...
in honor of your astounding resourcefulness...
imagination and downright dishonesty...
in obtaining the necessary parts...
to you goes the honor of the first belt.
Yeech!
How 'bout that, Beej? We were afraid it wouldn't be good.
- Here's mud in your eye. - Beats knuckles any day.